I'm going home...

I’ve had it on my heart for a good while that, if it were possible & God’s plan for my life, I want to live physically near my family. I want to go home. But, lots of things run through my mind while trying to sort out the endless possibilities and literal directional choices for my future. With life so open ended it is very easy to get lost among the choices, so much so, that you forget to listen to the prompting of your heart in it all.

I’ve definitely had really mixed feelings about where and how I’m supposed to live my life in service to God. During PT school I had to write a “career plan”. Included in that plan was the goal to participate in a medical mission trip to Africa 5 years into my career. That didn’t happen, but, I did go on a life changing evangelistic mission trip to London 3 years out of school. (refer to my prior post: Trying to Recapture the Passion). Living life primarily single, has often left me contemplating: missions & my role in them. Specifically feeling almost a sense of requirement to DO SOMETHING BIG for God… as if that explicitly means it has to be done somewhere else, somewhere in the 3rd world… All the aspects of my life are perfectly set up for it. I have no attachments, no husband, heck- no serious boyfriend, no children, no mortgage, heck- not even a lease. Even my job right now is a set of 13 or so week assignments, between which I can take off as little, or as much, time as I wish. I could easily walk away at the end of a work assignment for a year or more and know with full confidence (and deep appreciation) that in my field I would be able to fairly easily find another job when I returned. And so, I kept coming to the conclusion: well, I must be required to go live as a missionary if I’m going to even begin to adequately serve God.

Why else would everything in my life add up for it to be such an easy task to undertake? Digging deeper and checking my motivation: for me, was/ is being a missionary just a check mark on list for me to rack up in my faith and make ME feel as if I’ve done something important, as if my “normal” 9-5 life isn’t an effective forum to serve?!?! Was this just another way for me to run away from the possibility of pursuit and the possibility of rejection for my real heart’s desire of finding the love of my life and making a life together? A way to avoid the judgment I often feel as a result of being 31 and single… “Oh, Anna’s not married yet?... oh, but she’s a missionary in Africa- she’s doing God’s work- she doesn’t have time to get married and worry about all that yet!!!” (Seriously, thoughts like these have gone through my mind!!!!) In the end, I’ve somehow believed the lie that my everyday life is inadequate; when, IN FACT we are all called to be fully awake in our time, our generation, where ever we are placed THAT IS OUR MISSION FIELD!!!!!

So, I’ve been torn & questioning… God told Abraham ‘Go. Go to the land that I will then show you…’ (Gen 12) When Jesus walked on water in the storm he didn’t give Peter a play by play on how to do so, he simply told him, “Come!” God commands in Deut 10:11, “ARISE.” & “GO”… “Up. Resume”. God doesn’t want me “standing still” contemplating for years on end how I can serve Him best; He wants me to GET UP AND GO GET TO DOING IT. And, God doesn’t need my permission or to send the itinerary across my desk for approval of His plans for me… As Mark Batterson states in one of my favorite books, “God wants you to get where God wants you to go more than you want to get where God wants you to go!” …He is faithful. He’s got the details under control. He’s in the business of caring about the small things and details of my life just as much as the big things—an infinite God is not limited by finite dimensions. {Batterson; Beth Moore}

And so, I’m left with: ‘Arise. Go’… without the details. In faith…. DO I HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE ACROSS THE GLOBE TO ACCOMPLISH HIS MISSION? Maybe, in a sense, that’s easier. Taking nothing at all away from the often dangerous and undesirable situations and places that missionaries around the world willingly serve in daily, for me, stepping out in boldness for Christ where no one knows me, where I don’t have to care so much about what they think about me for doing so…. Well, for me: how much faith does that take? Stepping out in boldness for Christ in the place where I was born and raised… where I might have to expose my innermost struggles and pains to impact others for Christ. Now, for me, that’s intensely scary…

So, trying to discern God’s will for my life has been made overly complicated by my persistent over analytical disposition. Sometimes, it’s quite simple to figure out what He wants me to do, if I just shut up my own brain for a minute and listen!!! With highly variable and seemingly endless possibilities in front of me: All things being equal; with none of my selection of choices in blatant opposition to God’s Word/ will… well, there’s nothing wrong with following/ going for the desire of my heart. I don’t have the exact quote, but Piper wrote that in a book once, and the idea of it was reinforced for me just a few days ago. As Beth Moore surmised at a conference I attended this past weekend, “You don’t have to feel like you MUST choose suffering for Christ to be good enough; we will all suffer a plenty anyway!”
I have, and have had, a strong desire to be at home, with my family. To be near… And I’ve been toiling with the truth that: where ever you are, that IS your mission field… you don’t have to be ½ way around the globe to be a missionary. Being home, the desire to be with family… there’s nothing in that remotely against God’s will/ Word for my life that I’ve yet discerned.

So, how do I decide between several choices that could easily align with His word and will??? LOVE GOD LOVE PEOPLE… Well, all things being equal: there’s nothing wrong with following the desires of your heart.

As soon as I was fairly certain on my decision to move back home to WV, to live near my family, I was faced with the opportunity to go on an around the world mission trip extravaganza… 11 countries in 11 months. Saturday night I was already questioning the decision I’d made so surely Saturday morning. So, I did what I do: I prayed. And I asked God for a word. For something. Anything. And I asked for something kinda’ bold because due to the timeline for my work and the mission trip possibility I had to make a decision rather quickly… It is truly amazing God never loses His patience with me!

And, God in His faithfulness to me, and fully understanding my chronic tendency to second guess my choices, well, he gave me a word.

Eze 1-2:11...

Where ever I go, the spirit is there… not just there, but LEADING me there… I have been called not to foreign lands where I don’t speak the languages with hardship of communication… I’m called to my own countrymen (home) where I am called to be BOLD for Christ whether it pleases them or not. I’m called out of my “comfort zone” to share “IT” with my own people. I’m called home. And I’m going. WOW!

**(I have to thank Beth Moore, John Piper, Mark Batterson and Steven Furtick for their interpretations of scripture and messages over the last few weeks that I’m sure have highly influenced the thought processes in this writing.)**

Trying to recapture the passion...

Nearly 5 years ago (holy smokes was it THAT long ago...) I traveled to Romford, London, England on a short term mission trip with the young adults group from my church in Charleston, SC. That period of my life was one of tremendous personal spiritual growth. Though I don't feel that I've regressed in my faith or passion for Christ lately, I don't necessarily feel that I've progressed much either in the nearly 2 years since I moved away from Charleston. I'm quite sure that correlates to no longer having a small group ministry and larger worship family consistently spurning me on and holding me accountable. I long for that again... I'm posting this to remind myself of the passionate pursuit of an ever growing closer relationship with God and His people. Here follows my follow up e-mail to all my friends, supporters and prayer warriors from my time spent in London:

Hello all!

I've been back from London just over a month now. I feel like I just got back into the swing of things in the "real world" after such an amazing experience during "Project London". I'm still processing all that I saw, did, experienced, and learned from the time in Romford, London, England.



I want to first thank each and every one of you that prayed for me and my team on this mission. We truly saw the Lord at work in powerful ways... We watched him knit together the lives and hearts of us 11 Americans into a team of friends who went 2 weeks together and not once had a single argument, fight, or slight bickering among us. It may seem simple, but usually it is impossible to throw 2 or 3 different types of people together for even a day or two without at least a little controversy or misunderstanding or "moment" if you will. Imagine 11 of some of the oddest mix of backgrounds, personalities, and people you can..... We prayed hard in the weeks before our trip that God would tear down any differences between us and not allow anything that could and would detract from our mission, such as strife or discord among us, get in the way during our trip, or happen at all. We prayed hard for team unity and unconditional love among us. We saw Him answer that prayer in the good and awesome moments, as well as the stressful, intense, and tired moments of the trip (such as being stuck in Washington DC and finally getting back to Charleston basically without having slept in 36 or so hours..... still not even a short temper with each other....)



We most certainly saw the Lord work in the hearts of the people we met in London.....



Our main focus during the mission was engaging the people we encountered in meaningful conversation. Most people think of missions, and they think of 3rd world countries, feeding the poor, building houses, etc.... Those are all very awesome gifts and very much needed missions.

So often in those settings, especially when the trip is short term like ours, the extent of Gospel sharing is limited directly proportional to the boundaries of language barriers.. Acts of service and love do speak loudly, however, it is often difficult to share testimonies and really encourage people with your faith story, because you are limited in the ability to communicate that story often, if at all..... Our time in London was, obviously, not limited by a language barrier, and we were challenged to jump right in, to be BOLD for our God, and share the hope of His calling with any and everyone we could so engage.



Much of the population of England is unchurched, or has distanced themselves from the church. Something like less than either 1-5% of the population is Christian. (Many would call themselves a "christian" just because it is a Christian nation, but many of these people don't really even know what that means and/or actively profess or practice any faith in God.)

We worked with a group of local churches who are trying to meet people where they are. The thought being "If they aren't coming to church, then we need to go out where they are and share the love of Christ in that place." i.e. It is very hard to share God's word to those who don't know or understand it, if you never place yourself with those people and invest in their lives.



We began the week doing what is called "Sketch boarding"....essentially, we went out in the middle of a busy market area and dispersed among the crowd. One of the "host dads" who was a pastor, set up an easel with paper, and began painting a picture as he was telling a story. Curious people stopped to see what was going on (he often seemed like a comedian or entertainer) .... before we knew it a small crowd was around him, waiting to see what would be the end result of the story/ painting. The words and pictures changed each time, but always came down to a question of spirituality and "what do you believe"? With a captive audience, he could briefly share what he believed, and why he can so assuredly place his faith in God. He would then offer more info on what it means to be a christian, how you can profess faith or pray to God (just speak and He's listening), and info on local churches.... he would just offer it, and whoever wanted some would go up to him and take it. Our job: to start meaningful conversations with people in the crowd about what Graham had just brought up.... a simple "I'm with him, what do you think about all that?" And see where the conversation would lead.

We had one, kind of "absolute" instruction: If someone takes any of the written info, they obviously want to know more, so DO NOT let them get away without someone trying to strike up a conversation with that person!



So, our first day out, our first sketchboarding experience... I'm standing next to a very unassuming and actively listening man. At the end of the "show" (if you will) he took some written info and started booking it out of the area. I was half frozen, half panicked, as I scanned the crowd. NO ONE was trying to stop him to chat, to see what he thinks, to have a meaningful conversation. All that kept going through my head was "If they take the info, you can't let them get away...." over and over (as many times as it could in a brief few second period). And, I just yielded to God and listened to his prompting.... He had me totally chase this random guy down.... not a full run, but a good very quick olympic style power walk, at least.... I had no idea what I was going to say... but, as promised, I listened to Him, and God took over....



I am so glad I listened to what He was telling me to do! So often we (well I at least) ignore His direction, because it is either easier, or less risky/ safer, to just stay still. What I found when I grabbed that man from behind and said " I saw you took some information...." was a lost and deeply aching man, Barry, who'd once been an atheist, and was now desperately seeking the answers about truth and His purpose and God. We ended up talking for about an hour! Fortunately, my young adult pastor, Ryan, joined me in the discussion (I'm still not too great at remembering exact scriptures or stories that illustrate a point on que....) Barry was asking some really powerful and meaningful and challenging questions about life, the Bible, creation, Jesus as the Son of God, what makes Christianity different, how could and does God forgive us, do you have to be perfect?, how do you know when God is talking to you, what about evolution, how can you have faith and how does one make himself have faith, etc, etc.... Basically, you name it, and Barry had questions about it. God, in his mercy, didn't let me just stand still and look completely ignorant, but instead provided us with the words to say that spoke to Barry as we shared God's hope and love and grace with him. Barry was functioning pretty much as an agnostic..... but deeply searching for what was missing in his heart and life..... his accepting the free gift God offers us all. Barry left that day with a very cool book by Mark Cahill "Your journey into eternity" AND with lots of prayers that a seed was planted in his heart for God to grow into a great faith in Him and relationship with Him.



The main event of our time in London, was working with the local churches during an event called "On the Move". This is a world wide organization that goes to different cities through out the world and helps the local churches reach out to the people of the area. It is a very unique, and very effective, means of evangelism. Basically, we would set up a free barbecue (we here in America would call it a cookout) in a public market area and serve free food to the people who would pass. Some of us would serve as inviters, passing out invitations and going around the area to let the people know that the barbecue was happening, and that it was FREE! Others served as preparers, cooking and serving up the food (with an inviting and sincere smile and "have a great day!") Then we had the praise band, who played music for hours on end creating a fun and lively, joyful and spirited ambiance. The last job was for those who served as hosts. They basically planted themselves among the crowd starting both light hearted and deep meaningful conversations with the people of Romford, London who came to the free barbecue. People were intrigued that we were serving free food... "what do you mean, it's free???" " Why would you give it away free?" Questions that really lent themselves to evangelistic answers... "The local churches have come together and just wanted to do something to bless the people of the area"... "We wanted to give you something free, because of the free love that we get from God... no strings attached!"

There were some pretty powerful moments that happened, and really meaningful conversations that flowed as a result of this simple act of caring and sharing. The 1st day alone saw 6 people come to declare their faith in God as a result of the experience and conversations they had, 3 more rededicated their lives to an active faith in God!



I loved the time of fellowship in preparation for each day. From the services of praise each morning with the fellow workers, to the fellowship had while setting up the bbq area, slicing bread, and just genuinely enjoying each other's company, to the happy looks on the faces of those who came through the line really needing a free meal, and those that came through the line really needing a genuine "hello, how are you" and/or a meaningful conversation about God. What blessed me the most was seeing the face of Barry in the crowd during the barbecue!!! The first day he came and found me, and said he had already completed over 1/2 the book I'd given him 2 days earlier. He had long and spirited discussions with some of the "hosts" for 2 of the 4 days of the barbecue. Upon leaving his last day there, he found me to give me a big hug and a "thank you". Barry's heart was on the verge of believing all the great things God says about him as His child, of letting God take control, and of feeling a hope and peace which surpasses all understanding. I ask you to join me in praying that Barry finds himself now in a place of peace and hope, in an active present participle faith walk with God, and that he is surrounded by people of the local churches who can continue to help him grow and learn what it means to accept Christ's blood as a sacrifice for our own immeasurable sin.

And Barry's is only one of the many lives touched and changed during our time in Romford, London.



We were blessed to stay with generous and loving host families, which allowed for a great immersion into the English culture- and cultivated some very loving and supportive relationships! The Seithel family, and American mission family who's lived and served in London for 20 plus years, was the backbone of the host families. Along with all of our host families, the Seithels went out of there way to make us each feel at home. From carting us everywhere, letting us worship with and fellowship in their church, to showing us the sights, allowing us to form relationships with their children, to allowing us to relax around their living room playing cards, and even surprising me with an early "golden birthday" party-- they were an unbelievable blessing to our American team! I ask you tp pray for them in their continued mission work in London, to spread God's word, truth, and love all over England!



Coming back to America has been hard. Though the experience in London was my first true "mission trip", many of my fellow team members said the experience surpassed any of the other mission experiences they have had to date. We saw God's mighty power and strength at work in us. All we had to do was ask Him, and let Him! Being surrounded by team members and host families who were equally passionate about God for 2 weeks placed me in such a spiritual "high". Coming back to the "real world" and serving often as one of the few actively believing Christians in my work place is even more challenging than before- because I can see that support system had in London is possible, it is somewhat of a let down to have such a polar opposite peer system in my every day life. At the same time, it presents me with a great challenge to continue living in the way God would want, and serving as His hands in my workplace as an example of a hopeless sinner brought to joy in a dark place because of His amazing grace! Pray that the boldness I experienced in London would carry over to my relationships in the hospital, both with fellow therapists, but also with nurses, doctors, patients, and visitors!



Our "Project London" team is currently working out some ideas of how we can bring the type of effective evangelism we witnessed in London back to Charleston, SC. Some of us have had the opportunity to serve at events such as the "Convoy of Hope" and "Stand down for Homelessness". A group of team members and other fellow believers has recently begun meeting on Wednesday evenings for a time of focused prayer. I ask that you would keep us in your prayers as we work through the details of bringing the boldness of God's spirit in us and the faithful devotion to Him in all things, we had reinforced in our hearts in London back home!



The experience was a once in a lifetime, but I am praying hard for the opportunity to continue to serve in whatever way God sees fit. I am unsure what direction He is leading me right now, but I am trusting Him to be faithful, and praying that my heart remains faithful in listening to His calling. I ask that you would continue to pray for the fruits of the Spirit of love, joy, peace and patience as well as goodness, kindness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self control to be practiced in my heart daily!



Please let me know of any prayer requests you have!



If you take nothing else away from what I shared about my time in London, please take away the power of prayer! We serve a big God, so don't be afraid to ask big!



With love, and praying for your peace and joy,

~Anna~

--
It is better to understand little than to misunderstand much.

--

Do you ever feel like you're having a conversation with yourself??? Now, I'm not talking about the driving-in-my-car-listening-to-tunes-and-talking-out-loud-trying-to-figure-out-what-needs-to-get-done-when-i-get-home-where-you-pull-up-to-a-stop- light-and-notice-the-guy-in-the-next-car-over-looking-at-you-as-if-you-have-grown-an-extra-head-so-you-pretend-you're- talking-on-your-cell-phone kinda' talking to yourself... No, I'm talking about the kind of feeling you get when you're supposedly engaged in a back and forth give and take conversation with a real live human being; at least in theory. Only to realize, that in practice, they've not heard a word you've said.

Lately I've been having that unpleasant experience in much greater measure than I care to admit...I’m (mostly) sure the other parties haven’t intended to send a message to me that I’m just a backburner option for their time, but, that is precisely the message received. Now, I'm sure we've all been on both sides of the picture. It would benefit us to remember: our actions and behaviors, however small, can really impact the way another person feels. Especially when the message we subtly send is reasonably interpreted as "you are unworthy, unimportant, insignificant"... and we can do that so easily by engaging in the all too common practice of pretending to have a conversation without choosing to listen to the other party...

I recently finished reading the book "Have a Little Faith" by Mitch Albom. It is Mitch's own personal story of being spurned to grow in his own faith after being asked, by his still very much alive Rabbi, to perform "The Reb's" (as the Rabbi was affectionately referred to) eulogy. This book is a great easy read and I highly recommend it to anyone and everyone-- of course I've always had a thing for the way Albom writes... so like you can imagine his thoughts or conversations flowing... In any case, throughout the book there are several excerpts from various sermons "The Reb" gave during the course of his more than 60 years serving the same congregation. This one really impacted me because of the simplicity in which if gives the message to speak to what I've really been feeling lately on this subject:



From a sermon by the Reb, 1958

"A little girl came home from school with a drawing she'd made in class. She danced into the kitchen, where her mother was preparing dinner.

" 'Mom, guess what?' she squealed, waving the drawing.

"Her mother never looked up.

" 'What?' she said, tending to the pots.

" 'Guess what?' the child repeated, waving the drawing.

" 'What?' the mother said, tending to the pots.

" 'Mom, you're not listening.'

" 'Sweetie, yes I am.'

" 'Mom,' the child said, 'you're not listening with your eyes.' "



Wow. How often we tell people they're unimportant without even saying a word. On the flip side, how often we use terms of endearment or toss compliments around, without completely realizing the impact of what those words can mean to someone if we use them unwisely. Just as it is wise to pay attention to how your seeming disinterest in a conversation can be negatively interpreted it is just as important to realize the flip side: how easy it can be for someone to misinterpret words meant to be encouragement as something else entirely. You can find yourself in a sticky situation if you’re not careful. Compliment an impressionable girl’s eyes; be prepared for somewhere in her head or heart her to question “is he interested in me?” If that isn’t the message you want to send, be a little more selective with your speech. Often it is even wise to take a step back and realize, even with some people you may genuinely care about, there may be someone more appropriate from whom they should be seeking encouragement.

It is just simply wise to be discerning about what you say, to whom you say it & how you say it. Just as important as it is to make sure you're really listening to what's being said to you in return. And to realize, the actions in between the words are often telling a bigger picture than we may realize to the other party.