Do you ever feel like you're having a conversation with yourself??? Now, I'm not talking about the driving-in-my-car-listening-to-tunes-and-talking-out-loud-trying-to-figure-out-what-needs-to-get-done-when-i-get-home-where-you-pull-up-to-a-stop- light-and-notice-the-guy-in-the-next-car-over-looking-at-you-as-if-you-have-grown-an-extra-head-so-you-pretend-you're- talking-on-your-cell-phone kinda' talking to yourself... No, I'm talking about the kind of feeling you get when you're supposedly engaged in a back and forth give and take conversation with a real live human being; at least in theory. Only to realize, that in practice, they've not heard a word you've said.
Lately I've been having that unpleasant experience in much greater measure than I care to admit...I’m (mostly) sure the other parties haven’t intended to send a message to me that I’m just a backburner option for their time, but, that is precisely the message received. Now, I'm sure we've all been on both sides of the picture. It would benefit us to remember: our actions and behaviors, however small, can really impact the way another person feels. Especially when the message we subtly send is reasonably interpreted as "you are unworthy, unimportant, insignificant"... and we can do that so easily by engaging in the all too common practice of pretending to have a conversation without choosing to listen to the other party...
I recently finished reading the book "Have a Little Faith" by Mitch Albom. It is Mitch's own personal story of being spurned to grow in his own faith after being asked, by his still very much alive Rabbi, to perform "The Reb's" (as the Rabbi was affectionately referred to) eulogy. This book is a great easy read and I highly recommend it to anyone and everyone-- of course I've always had a thing for the way Albom writes... so like you can imagine his thoughts or conversations flowing... In any case, throughout the book there are several excerpts from various sermons "The Reb" gave during the course of his more than 60 years serving the same congregation. This one really impacted me because of the simplicity in which if gives the message to speak to what I've really been feeling lately on this subject:
From a sermon by the Reb, 1958
"A little girl came home from school with a drawing she'd made in class. She danced into the kitchen, where her mother was preparing dinner.
" 'Mom, guess what?' she squealed, waving the drawing.
"Her mother never looked up.
" 'What?' she said, tending to the pots.
" 'Guess what?' the child repeated, waving the drawing.
" 'What?' the mother said, tending to the pots.
" 'Mom, you're not listening.'
" 'Sweetie, yes I am.'
" 'Mom,' the child said, 'you're not listening with your eyes.' "
Wow. How often we tell people they're unimportant without even saying a word. On the flip side, how often we use terms of endearment or toss compliments around, without completely realizing the impact of what those words can mean to someone if we use them unwisely. Just as it is wise to pay attention to how your seeming disinterest in a conversation can be negatively interpreted it is just as important to realize the flip side: how easy it can be for someone to misinterpret words meant to be encouragement as something else entirely. You can find yourself in a sticky situation if you’re not careful. Compliment an impressionable girl’s eyes; be prepared for somewhere in her head or heart her to question “is he interested in me?” If that isn’t the message you want to send, be a little more selective with your speech. Often it is even wise to take a step back and realize, even with some people you may genuinely care about, there may be someone more appropriate from whom they should be seeking encouragement.
It is just simply wise to be discerning about what you say, to whom you say it & how you say it. Just as important as it is to make sure you're really listening to what's being said to you in return. And to realize, the actions in between the words are often telling a bigger picture than we may realize to the other party.
